Life Can Be Such a Pain...

It's a tough life, living in pain. It's tough on the body, tough on my family, tough on my nerves, tough on my patience. Pain is such a pain in the ass or as defined below:

-Pain is an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage-

Pain keeps me isolated. Pain keeps me alone. When I see how my pain looks thru the eyes of my children, I know it's out there- like a giant monster devouring their mother alive everyday. And the epic challenge for my husband to witness my chronic pain may have been addressed in our marriage vows, but damn, it sucks. Pain is clearly an obvious deterrent to our happy goals in life.

But will pain stop me?

No, my mind can fly to the highest alps, travel to the far reaches  of space, but the one thing it can not do, is teleport a friend to come visit. And so pain for me feels lonely. When I'm in pain, I isolate myself. When I'm in pain, I say I'm protecting my friends from the helpless anguish of seeing me in pain and so I isolate myself. I isolate myself. And it sucks. I miss my friends. I miss friends who could be here, even just visit once. I miss their smiles, their eyes, laughter and experiences. I miss sharing in their joys and celebrating their accomplishments with them.  I miss the freedom of visiting my friends, to be able to see clearly and feel free driving on the open road. I miss the liberating freedom that comes from being a friend to someone else.

Loneliness is far more painful than pain for me. Pain has been a part of my life for 17 years with Lupus and I've watched it shred my friendships and my heart with these long periods of pain and (and often self imposed) isolation.

I see the pattern and it needs to change.

When I'm in pain, I isolate myself. When I'm in pain and isolate myself, loneliness creeps in.
When I'm in pain and lonely,  I get nervous, don't eat and isolate myself.

BUT...

Pain just met a formidable opponent in me.  

When I'm in pain, hugs are a life force for me- love makes pain disappear in the moment and I'm so grateful my family blesses me with loads of hugs everyday.

Yep, I think I need more hugs.

When I'm in pain, my days are spent focusing on minimizing  it's influence on my day, and when my family and I are positive, at least I'm laughing in little bits thru tough breathing spells.

I definitely need to keep positive and keep laughing.

http://themindunleashed.org/2014/04/effects-negative-emotions-health.html

When I'm in pain and I can't think of anything else but pain and my poor eating habits kick in and the lack of nutrients drains me more. I'm grateful for all my friends and family over the years who have guided me onto a healthier dietary path, and see that the next step for me may be seeking counseling to overcome my eating issues.

In order to come out from under the rock of pain and anxiety I am under, I will continue to search for help in healing.

So, the pattern that I've created isn't one that contains all the positive goals I have for my life. It will be a challenge, to change such a deeply ingrained pattern, but I'm up for it! I'm not content with isolation, not content with hurting myself or my loved ones. I may not be able to see well right now, my joints may crunch and lend me to limp, my lungs and my head may be hurting, but my heart works great and I'm still here for you my friends. I love life and am going to more open and receptive to all the support you all give me. I'm going to be that woman people refer to who healed her Lupus. I'm on my way. 

Healing Space

Oceanside, Oregon and Trillium Lake. Two places we cherish collide in the photo, an homage to the solitude we experience when we take our mini breaks from this busy life.

Initially, I was daydreaming about Dominic (which is REALLY common). As I downloaded our recent beach trip photos, I noticed he was standing on this huge rock and the shadow cast over the backside of it was so intensely black there was almost no detail. And then I saw the stars, little bits of lights twinkling there and a new mini photo project was born. 

Bao Zhong Tea from Tea Chai Te was keeping me in a state of continued creative bliss so I moved onto thoughts of my Dad. Passing back into the Spirit World a few months ago, I have found many ways to grieve my sadness.  From songwriting and creative projects like photography, I have chosen to allow myself to turn my sadness into joyful acceptance thru creative play. The stars I saw twinkling in my memories of my Dad were reflecting back at me in some NASA space photography, so I choose some favorite family photos & two collided, creating a few supernovas of healing and release for me. 

 

Each time I create, I let go a little. I let go not of my love for my Dad, but of the thought that this present moment is sad because he is not in that body anymore. He is not in that body but I'm so grateful he took the time all these years to leave us lots of great memories and mementos to remind us of the great love we all share. And as the stars in the photos have been going supernova for the last hundreds of millions of years, so too shall my love for Dominic, my Dad, my Mom, my children Dimitri & Sol, my sister and her family, my grandparents, my in-law parents, my extended family, my friends, my employees, my customers and everyone of us who makes up the stars in the night sky.